Act Three. The Game Ain't Over til the Fatso Man Sings.
Ira Glass
It's This American Life. I'm Ira Glass. Each week on our program, of course, we choose some theme, bring you different kinds of stories on that theme. Today's program, Kid Logic. We wanted an hour filled with stories in which kids employ kid thinking, especially the kid thinking that is perfectly logical but completely wrongheaded. And we've arrived at Act 3 of our program. Act 3, "The Game Ain't Over till the Fatso Man Sings."
When little kids talk about a crush or love, are they talking about more or less the same thing that adults mean by those words? Howie Chackowicz remembers how he thought about love in grade school. He wanted girls to like him, but they never seemed to. Here he is.
Howie Chackowicz
Looking back on it, I think part of the problem was how I thought about love as a kid. I had a few ideas about how you get someone to love you that, in retrospect, weren't particularly helpful to me. First, I thought that if they could see me sleeping, they would immediately fall for me. When I went to sleep each night, I would consciously try to sleep in a cute way, just in case the girls would peep on me. I'd roll into a fetal ball a kitten and scrunch my head into my pillow, hands under my head.
I imagined that all the popular girls, intent on cruelly pranking me, on a ladder and climbed up to my bedroom window. But instead of painting fatso or whatever on my window as planned, their collective hearts would melt as they saw me sleeping like a babe, an angel, buried snugly under my blankets. I guess there was some crossover of a kid's knowledge of what was endearing to adults applied to romance.
My second theory was that they'd fall in love with me if they can see me reading aloud. This conclusion came out of my experience with nieces and nephews, who'd fawn all over me when I would read to them. By age 6, I was already an uncle, and I felt this lent me a certain maturity.
Often, at recess time, I'd go to the back of the classroom and read from a selection of kids books. All the kids would gather around in a circle and I'd pore through books like "Percy the Rose-eating Donkey," effecting the voices of the different characters and speaking with a preacher's sweaty charisma. I'm not sure why, but everyone in my class seemed to love the way I hammed it up.
The only problem with this was, the girls in class ended up treating me like their uncle. They'd call me Uncle Howie and talk to me in baby talk. "Wead me a story, Uncle Howie." And so on. Don't get me wrong. I loved the attention, but I wanted love, not wuv.
So I had all these ideas about love. And of all the girls I knew, my theories were most intensely targeted at one girl, the most popular girl in school, Karen. She became my most serious crush. I carried a torch for Karen from grade 1 to grade 6. Though Karen didn't seem to like me much, one thing I'd learned about love on TV was that if one was sincere, love can break all boundaries.
I believed that there would come a moment where I'd speak the words "I love you" to Karen with such tenderness and tears that it would break her heart, and she would cry too and confess her love. I would allow one brave tear to travel down my cheek.
[? Betty's ?] really cute, eh?
Karen
Yeah.
Howie Chackowicz
And Jonathan [? is cute. ?]
Karen
Jonathan is very, very adorable.
Howie Chackowicz
Now, years later, I'm friends with Karen, actual friends with both her and her husband Alan. I even worked for him for a while. Karen and I have talked before about our elementary school days, usually steering the conversation towards how mean she was to me. But I've never really spoken with her about puppy love. I wanted to know what she remembered, whether she knew I even had a crush on her at all.
Who were your interests? We'll go year by year.
Karen
Keith, definitely, love interest. Barry Seller, the big one, the big one.
Howie Chackowicz
Lauren Wilter?
Karen
Yes, yes, yes.
Howie Chackowicz
Notice who she doesn't mention. Even though it was so far in the past, a crush is still such an awkward thing to talk about. When I finally did tell her about how I felt about her when we were kids, I mumbled my way through it, backpedaling all over the place. I even forgot to actually point the mic at her.
When I was in elementary school, you were a big crush.
Karen
Aw.
Howie Chackowicz
You see?
Karen
I didn't even know that. I thought I was just responsible for tormenting you. I didn't realize that there was a crush involved. Maybe at the time I knew, but I had no clue, actually, that you liked me, when I think back on it now.
Howie Chackowicz
One time in the field, Keith told me to tackle you. He said if you tackle her, she'll like you, and then you'll be popular.
Karen
That is so funny.
Howie Chackowicz
This is the thing.
Karen
You know what? That's very good advice, I think.
Howie Chackowicz
It's very bad advice. I don't want to break your leg. Basically, what happened was, I was standing off to the sidelines. I wasn't often picked to play. This was a coed game, and it seemed very fun. And Keith said, "I'm going to throw Karen the ball." And he you know he couldn't pronounce his R's. He goes, "You tackle her, Howard. Tackle her. Tackle her hard, and you'll be popular. And then everyone will like you.
I'm like, "OK, I'm going to do it." And I remember you were running, the sun was shining off, and your hair's bouncing, and you caught the ball, and I just-- I don't know what came over me. I just remember thinking that's what I had to do, was I had to tackle you. And I tackled you really hard.
You're on the ground and you're holding your leg. Now, any kind of logic would have dictated that that's not the way to get the girl you like.
Karen
Yeah, but a lot of times the way young kids react or show affection is through physical-- like I was telling you before that I wrestled with Barry, because you just want to be close.
Howie Chackowicz
This is not how she felt about it at the time. Because I felt the harder I tackled her, the more popular I'd be. I took her down like it was prison football. The game came to an immediate end, everyone circling Karen's writhing body, the football near her lay totally still. She was holding her leg, looking up at me saying, "You tub of lard, you broke my leg!"
Karen doesn't remember any of this. She doesn't remember how she then jumped up, got four or five of her girlfriends in a huddle, and miraculously choreographed an impromptu chorus line of "Fatso Man" to the tune of the Village People's "Macho Man."
"Fatso, fatso man. I would not like to be a fatso man. Fatso, fatso man. I would not like to be a fatso!" And at that point, they all threw their hands up in the air in unison. I remember it so perfectly, but then after all, it was my crush. She had no recollection at the time the school photographer called her Daisy Duke and then turned around and called me Boss Hog, nor the fitness day that I beat her in a chariots of fire style race. She didn't even remember the biggest story of them all, our sixth grade graduation dance.
Howie Chackowicz
Now, the last dance was "Stairway to Heaven."
Karen
Mhm.
Howie Chackowicz
Right. Now, I went to the dance to dance with you.
Karen
Aw.
Howie Chackowicz
But I couldn't, because as I was walking, a line of people walked by and blocked me, and then there was a split second, but then you were in the arms of a grade seven.
Karen
Really? What was a grade seven doing in there?
Howie Chackowicz
They crashed our grade six graduation dance.
Karen
Who was it?
Howie Chackowicz
I don't know who he was. He was tall and thin. He had longish hair, and he came through the back door of the gym. You don't remember the last dance?
Karen
No.
Howie Chackowicz
You kissed this gentleman.
Karen
Did I? Like a peck or a make-out kiss? I don't think I was making out in grade six.
Howie Chackowicz
No, by adult standards, it was a peck. I'd say by grade six standards, you got laid.
It turns out that Karen remembered exactly one story about me.
Karen
Well, my most vivid memory of you is sitting in class, and the teacher asking us to pull out our homework, and you open up your desk and the paper overflowing out of that desk, and you rummaging frantically through the desk, trying to find what homework we were asked to take out and not being able to find it, and our teacher walking up to your desk, and everyone knowing what was coming, because it probably happened two days before, and the teacher just lacing into you, and dumping the contents of your desk on the floor.
Howie Chackowicz
Now, I mean, when that happened, did I seem cool, like a bad boy?
Karen
No, everyone felt very, very sad for you.
Howie Chackowicz
More than anything, I wanted Karen to notice me, but not in that way. I think the problem with my theories was that I expected her to fall for me the same way I fell for her, that she would see me from afar, reading to our classmates, sleeping like a little prince. I thought that's what it took for someone to fall in love.
I wanted her to think that this was the real me. I wanted to think it was the real me. And the truth of it was that the real real me was getting screamed at and having his desk spilled out on the ground each day.
There's a way you can love a girl in grade six that you'll never have again. There's something about kids, or at least the way I was as a kid, that is purely romantic, in the truest love sonneteering sense of the word. Only a year or two later, my theories on the ways love had changed drastically. By seventh grade, I had some spin the bottle sessions under my belt, and I had concluded that instead of dreaming about a true love I couldn't have, I should get a little bit more pragmatic about the whole thing.
One night, after deciding I wanted to have a real girlfriend, I called up identical twin sisters I liked, Darlene and Elizabeth. Darlene answered. I told her that I liked her, and I asked her if she'd like to officially go out with me. She kindly told me that she only liked me as a friend but she was flattered. "No problem," I said. "Is Elizabeth home?"
She passed me over to her twin, who I made the same offer to. And Elizabeth said "sure," and that was it. "They're identical twins. What's the difference," I figured. We went out for two whole months. It was great.
Ira Glass
Howie Chackowicz. He's the creator, writer, and artist behind Howie Action Comics.
© 2016 This American Life